WOW what a Christmas

WOW what a Christmas this year has been!

I am so happy, and at the same time upset. I know sounds kind of messed up, however in my head its not.

first things first, here is how my Christmas went!

WOW I'M SO EXITED!!!!!!


Keith, Logan and I were opening gifts this morning. We let Logan open his right away as he was sooooo exited about Christmas. We opened a few gifts, each taking a turn opening a gift at a time.

I came to a gift that I wasn't expecting! I opened the box, and was in shock, it was a RING!! Then what came from Keith's mouth was what I took to be a joke, "Will you spend the rest of your life as my Bunker Monkey?" LOL it was sooooooo cute, like he didn't know what to say to me..... I did not answer him as I thought he was kidding around. I mean come on! It's not every day you get a proposal like that.


Anyways Logan opend more gifts, and Keith said "Mommy still has not answered my question yet!"

I said, "What?"

He said "Will you spend the rest of your life as my bunker monkey?".

I said, "You're not kidding, are you? YES I WILL!"

And then I cried.


We talked about a wedding before but never thought he was that serious as he is not one for getting married.

OH WELL I WILL BECOME MRS. Lavallee in 2010!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

It may not be the ring anyone else would have wanted, but I LOVE IT! I don't like it when someone spends lots on me, I'm happy with just something simple. GOD I LOVE IT. I can't stop crying. Happy tears that is.

Keith has made me the happiest person today.


And now I will enplane why I could be so upset.

My father called me today to wish us a Merry Christmas, that was fine, however my mother wanted to talk so I said ok. She gets on the phone and I told her Keith and I will be getting married in 2010, she never had much to say but "oh" thats it, now I know I should not expect much from my family, but it hurts it really dose.

Then my sister wanted to talk to me, so I said ok and talked to her, told her about us getting married in 2010 and all she could say is "well at least you have 2 years to plan and stuff" Then she turned it around and said "but don't take advise from me, as I am agents weddings". I told her that I'm sorry her marriage did not turn out, but Keith and I have been together for almost 9 years, and she knew her husband 3 months then got married, and then had a child, and got a devoice after only a year.

I can't help thet that happened to her, but for ones I would have loved my family to be happy for me. But NO that would be asking way to much.

I have always had a dream about my father walking me down to my husband to be, but I guess that would not be happening I am not going to have my wedding fucked up because my family treats me like shit. So they will not be invited. And that hurts for me to say, but thats how things are going to be.

Who will be walking me down to Keith? My father in-law will be. He has been more of a father to me then my own. Keith's family have always been there for me, in good and bad, and they treat me more like a family should then my own.

Maybe my family will wake the hell up and know what there missing in my life. But I am not going to kiss ass anymore, I'm not going to be nice anymore, and I will not have them in my life and its all because they can't even treat me with any respect. All I give to them is respect I would just for ones like to get some of that back, some of the loving feeling from them. It really is a lot to ask from my family.

Keith knows how I feel about my family, I LOVE THEM TO DEATH. But I can only do so much to work on getting them to love me for me. Before I am ready to give up, and its going to be sad because I would have LOVED to have my family at my wedding. BUT NO NO it is not going to happen.


Anyways now that I got that out, I LOVE KEITH so very much, and I can't wait until I am Mrs. Lavallee for good.

I am so scared tho, I have no idea how to put a wedding together, not one clue. WOW I wish I could just relax lol, I know I have 2 years but it goes really fast as I herd. And I am so scared that we will not have the funds to have the wedding Keith and I would LOVE to have.

Again me worried about something that I know will fall in place as it comes.


Back to Keith, he has made me so happy today! I love him more then I have ever loved him .... He has made my dream come true. He really has. I really did not know he loved me this much until today when he asked me to marry him. Sorry I knew he loved me, but just did not know how much ..... But now I do!

Thank you sweetie pie for making my dream come true! I LOVE YOU so very much. You have no idea.


Ok done for tonight, time to read then go to bed.

More of my life.

What a life, I feel like I can't even wake up in the morning without having something new happen. I went to see a friend of mine, and thought hmmm maybe I can have a little break from my bull shit life (NO not Keith or Logan) I mean assholes who live around me, or even family, AKA my mom and sister..... I'm tired of no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try and get alone with people, it is never good enough.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to be trapped in my house, because well if I go out, someone always comes up to me and says "Logan did this, and Logan did that" I understand Logan is not the perfect child, in my eyes no kid is perfect, nor is any adult or teen, but I know my child is not doing have the shit people say he is doing, and I'm tired of always being the one they come to, WHY the FUCK can't they grow some balls and come speak to my husband Keith.

It's 4:50am and I'm up, that is enough to piss me off right there, my back is killing me so much I can't sleep, and well all my Dr seams to say is "The best meads for your back, is going for walks, and exercise Yeah a lot that is doing for me, I can't even sleep because the pain is so bad.

I'm tired of Dr's getting paid to do there job's and they never do anything to help. I'M TIRED OF IT. I don't wish this pain on the worse person in this world.

I think I would rather have a baby again, then have this. That's how bad it is and I'm very tired of it. It's so bad, even sharing my husband with me is hard, (SEX) (MAKING LOVE) thats what I mean. It makes my marriage hard. I know my husband understands but it still hurts me.

But as my Dr would say, OH WELL its life. Maybe not in them words but he might as well say that to me because thats how I take it.

I don't mean to sound like I'm the only one out there with problems. I just hate feeling this and I'm tired of all the shit I keep hearing things will get better in due time, I just don't see it or feel it anymore.


Well I think I'm going to sit here and read my book, so I don't get to pissed off and be in more pain thats all I need.

WOW another day

Another day out, I got up this morning and thought I'm going going to take Logan out and have a day with just Logan and I. I thought I would leave Keith to have a day on his own for ones.

So I packed up some lunches and and away we went. Sherry our friend messaged me this morning and asked what our planes where today? So I told her Logan and I were going to go to Victoria Park and have a relaxing day together. I asked her what she was up to today and she said nothing. I have nothing planed so I asked her if she would like to come alone with Logan and I and sit at a park to relax for the day. She said sure that would be nice, what park are you going to? I told her and she said ok. She sent me a message a little after that asking if we would like to go on the Wolfe Island and go to a park over there. I said sure that would be nice to do today.

She asked me if we could meet her at S&R and we will go all together. So we did, Logan and I got our stuff together and away we went.

We got to S&R and there Sherry and her mom was, her mom said have a great day and I will see you later, and then we went down to the Ferry and found out we had a hr wait, so we went to Tim Horton's and Sherry got some Tim bits after that we went down to wait for the Ferry.

The day was going good, we got on the Ferry and there was a wedding party on there going over to the Island all I could do is think what is really wrong with me? Am I not the marrying type? What is wrong with me? Everyone is getting married around me, then Sherry brought up about how her and Don are going to have this and that at there wedding and all I could think about telling her is shut up, just shut up, and it came out, I said shut up I really do not want to hear about this. She knows how I feel about the wedding thing and how I will never be asked. I don't know what is going on in Keith's head, I really don't I wish I knew why he thought so bad about getting married. I ask him and one time he told me it was because he seen his mother go throw so many bad divorce's that he just don't like it. I then asked him another time and he said it is useless it just makes people break up why would you want to break up something if it is going so good, why would you want to get married if you are happy without it?

All I can say is what do you think we are going to be like others?

I just don't understand I guess. I thought when you are happy and in love, why not celebrate something so good, and have the most wonderful day together.

I'm so in love with Keith and really don't think being married would change a thing with us, I am also not going to make things bad by keep bugging about the marriage thing. I do love him and don't want to loose him over my thoughts. I just some times think something is wrong with me is all. I keep thinking maybe if I was brought up different and was around love maybe I would be more understanding when it comes to subjects like marriage.

My sister in-law just got married not to long ago, and I cried so hard at the wedding because I just thought this could be me, and went back to what is wrong with me? Why as happy as Keith and I are why wont he want to get married and celebrate such a good thing.

OK done with this talk, I'm just trying to get my thoughts out, better out then kept in side.

I got so upset with Logan today, Sherry bought him a box of tidbits and thought about the park over on the Island and then got him a pop, and all he could do today is complane about this and that, starting with this park sucks there are kids here but they do not want to play with me, why could we not go to a park where kids are nicer and would like to play with me, the second thing he complained about was how he had to walk, then he said he wished we had money to take a cab home, I was just so upset because it is not very often and I am changing that, and all he can do is complane about is this and that, nothing will ever satisfied him unless we had a lot of money and took him to a store and bought him everything he wants and be able to take a cab home or buy a car and have a car to go out and do things so he dose not have to walk to places. He has even told me this more then ones almost every time we go out he wants to complane about everything.


Anyways I am done for tonight, I just want to sit and relax before taken on another day.

My Thoughts

WOW I was crying and knew what I wanted to say on my blog, now that I'm here and ready to write I'm lost for words.

I was looking at some friends profiles on another site, and every profile I looked at was ether someone getting married or someone having a baby.

Two things in my life I will never have :'( I have people around me having babies and or getting married and I keep thinking what is wrong with me?

I have a 7 year old boy named Logan Pearson-Lavallee he is my world without him I would not care to live on.

I also have a Co-Mn Law husband named Keith Lavallee he is the most loving man I have ever been with but he has it in his head that marriage is just a peace of paper and for the most part it never lasts if you are happy you should never do anything to break that up.

I see marriage as a wonderful day, everyone looking at just the two if us and no one else. Just a day all about (HIM & HER) I don't care if I have a big wedding, hell I don't even want to spend a lot of money, I just want a wonderful day together. And a wonderful 2 or 3 nights without anyone but just the two of us. None better as a Honey moon. I would just like to stay home with my husband I don't want to go to any fancy place that just costs a lot of money. I would just get family/friends to watch Logan so we can spend our honey moon together at home.

WOW I feel kind of selfish to even put this post out. I will not be letting anyone look at this but my self. I do not want anyone taken anything the wrong way. I do love my family (my husband and son) but would not want anyone to take my thoughts the wrong way.

I am so happy with my son, I just would have loved to have a brother or sister for him to have someone to play with.

I am having such a problem in life right now, I had a very bad life growing up but then met my husband and his family and knew what love was after that.

I started going to school, to get my grade 12 and am doing so good, but last year (2006) I did not go to school at all, I have been in the past year suffering from a lot. I had surgery and had my tubs cut and tied. And then cracked 3 ribs and then found out I have Osteoporosis of the spine makes thing hard for me to go out and walk very fare without being in a lot of pain. :'(

My Dr was so shocked to find this out seeing as I'm only going on 27 years old. I can't take the pills for Osteoporosis because I am a young person and it can case more problems in my body because I am so young with this problem.

I feel us less in life anymore, I feel like there is nothing I can do in life without being in pain. I can't even have a love life with my husband because it hurts to much and we have tried so many different ways and still hurts. WOW I can't believe I am saying this where anyone really can read it. But it is called "My thoughts" and I am here to just get my problems from my head to paper/computer.


I am done for tonight, I will make time to write more every day. Little by little.

Here is a picture of my family